Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Guest Blog - Gregory L. Hall

Greetings, my goodly friends! I’ve been asked to tell a little about myself. But what a strange year 2016 has been. I’m excited my Goth thriller At the End of Church Street is finding new audiences. I had too much fun writing it and it holds a special place in my dark, twisted heart. I also won free tickets to a Pink Floyd tribute band, which is awesome. On the flip side, they sucked. They promised in the promos there would be a flying pig. There was no flying pig. Nope. Not for discount ticket holders. And then I’ve heard rumors about an election for a new United States president. They should really put stuff like that on the news channels so people like me can know more about it. I’m not good with last minute events.

It’s the kind of year that makes a person rethink what they believe in or hold tighter to values they’ve always had. Brad and Angelina are no longer Brangelina. Can any of us really pretend the world is the same? How will we limp to 2017 and beyond? Before I can come up with honest and possibly ugly answers, I need to figure out what I feel at my core. I’ll start with three facts I know are universal. We are all biodegradable. If the goddess Venus walked the Earth, she would be Debbie Gibson. And it should be absolutely legal to shoot a mime.

I admit I’m a wee bit nervous about Church Street. I wanted to write an original spin on blood suckers and I believe I did. A vampire novel without actual vampires in it. But…I believe vampires are real. What if they don’t like it? Sure, they’re old school, still viewing us as food, however they adore paranormal romance. Huge fans. But my book is more of a serial killer slaughtering Goths in a vampire Neverland. What if I make them angry? You do not want to mess with the undead.

The public never sees vampires because they hold the most powerful seats in world government along with Oprah, Papa John and the guy who used to be Joey on Friends. Joey has been in fourteen TV series since Friends wrapped up. Each one gets canceled within six episodes and he stars in yet another new show a month later. If you’re looking for a clue as to who holds all the cards in this world, he’s kind of transparent.

All I can do is hold on to my beliefs. I believe some new social outlet will come along to make MySpace obsolete. There is no such thing as talking to yourself. Ever lie in bed, sigh and regretfully say “Okay. Let’s do this.” Someone in China said a minute earlier “Well, smack my butt and call me Sally.” If I’m at a restaurant and a waitress says “Here’s your salmon” but doesn’t pronounce the ‘l’, I return it because I believe they’re giving me less than what I ordered. In contrast, if you need to ask how many calories are in your breath mint, you need to eat. Period. I’m looking at you, Tiffany.

Crop circles are created by people here on Earth. Ignoring the practical jokers, it’s serious UFO worshippers leaving messages for the aliens. ‘Here is a circle with other circles in it. And next to that is a DNA sequence Tommy screwed up on so we’re calling it a duck. Please write back.’ Mystery solved. Superior beings are not using technology millenniums beyond our understanding, traveling billions of lightyears to our tiny planet saying “We must communicate with the earthlings. Quick! Find a cornfield!”

I also believe if I had special powers like telekinesis or mind reading, no one would ever know. It’s the idiots that brag at parties, mentally lighting paper plates on fire, who wind up on military dissecting tables. Me? I’ll blink to change the TV channel when no one else is around.

Tragedies happen in life. But one of our saddest days will be when the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame headlines new inductee Justin Bieber, with a special long overdue tribute to classic rock icons, the Spice Girls. Ylvis will be disqualified when experts research ‘What Does the Fox Say?’ and determine no, a fox makes none of those sounds.

Yes, I know there are things I’ll never understand. Sometimes my eyes glaze over like Kim Kardashian staring at her shoelaces. The word for ‘one syllable’ is monosyllabic. Shouldn’t it be something like ‘sylb’? I’m baffled when I see an opossum squished in the middle of the road. Did a car run it over? Or is it really that damn good at playing dead? I feel sorry for the people on the West Coast because they never get to see the sunrise.

The other day I watched a college-age girl make a left hand turn from the far right lane, cutting everyone off at the green light. She pulled up to the gas pump next to me. I asked about her maneuver. She said she was in the wrong lane. What was she supposed to do? I suggested it was probably safer to stay in her lane, find a place to turn around and come back, instead of cutting across three lanes of traffic. Princess gave me the best answer ever, worthy of banners and tramp stamps everywhere.

"It's not my fault I made a mistake!"

I wonder if the vampires will accept that answer if they don’t like Church Street. I’m just a simple guy who writes spooky books. All I know is I am here do two things. Chew bubble gum and kick ass.

And I am all out of ass.

End of Church Street
Gregory L. Hall

Publisher: Fiery Seas Publishing

Genre: YA Dark Fantasy/Horror

Release Date: October 2016

About the Book:

Homeless and with nowhere to turn, Rebecca De Rosa finds a family of lost souls just like her—the vampires of Orlando. Reborn, she revels in her new lifestyle of 'no rules'. Love whoever you want. Seek whatever high you wish. Live forever young. Every night's an adventure—hunting down tourists, challenging local police, screaming to the world vampires really do exist! It's Neverland and every dream Rebecca has comes true.

Until the first murder.

Someone else lurks in the shadows. Goths are found beheaded, with wooden stakes pounded into their chests. The hunters have become the hunted. As the bodies pile up, Rebecca and the Family are forced to ask who can you trust when the only person who believes you're an actual vampire is a vampire killer?

About the Author:

Gregory L Hall has a long history in comedy, theatre and improv. He is a national Telly Award winner and creator of the Baltimore Comedy Fest, which supported Autism Awareness. Many fans know Greg best as the host/producer of the popular live radio show The Funky Werepig.

As a writer his work has appeared over the decade in various publications, anthologies and a short story collection. His novels rarely stick to one genre, ranging from comedy and romance to intense thrillers and horror. His biggest claim to fame is he was once hugged by Pat Morita, Mr. Miyagi of The Karate Kid. We should pause an extra moment to realize how awesome that is.


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